Tears of a Chef

Favorite knife. Check.
Cutting board. Check.
Sunglasses.... Check!



Alright. Bring on the onion.

You may laugh (and I admit, I do look a bit ridiculous chopping onions with giant sunglasses on...), but dammit, it works. If I don't wear them, I always end up with big, fat, salty tears pouring out my face like a water fountain. Which makes my makeup run. Which invariably ends up my eyes. Which makes them sting like fire. Which makes me rub them with my onion juice-covered hands... Which- well, you get the picture. So, yes, even though people my laugh, I don't care. You can go ahead and "tough it out like a man," but I will continue to wear my sexy, rhinestone-studded onion glasses.

If you are nerdy enough to want to know why they make you cry, I will gladly explain the evilness. As soon as you commence the chopping, the onion cells release enzymes that decompose other substances in the onion (among them amino sulfoxides), and the remnants quickly arrange themselves into a volatile gas. The gas eventually reaches your eyes, reacts with the H2O that keeps them moist, and forms a mild sulfuric acid. In order to dilute this acid and prevent damage to the eye, your body produces tears. And, if you are like me, when this happens, you like to rub your eyes... but this actually makes the irritation a lot worse, of course, because of the onion juices all over your hands.

You can try all the other "remedies" such as breathing through your mouth, sticking your tongue out, or even chewing gum (vegan, of course!), but let me save you the pain: they do NOT work! Onion glasses. They are the only way to go.